Golden Cogwheel Solid 2: Illegal Substance
by Nail Strafer
Summary: A humor fic that swaps Metal Gear Solid 2's cast with Resident Evil characters. Join Chris Redfield and Steve Burnside through wacky hijinks involving an oil tanker, the Big Shell, Metal Gears, Super Soakers, vampires, Burger King, old meme references, and the twisted innards of Hideo Kojima's game logic!


_A/N: Like that Resident Evil 4: Sherry May Cry fic I posted earlier, this is the second (and last) fic I managed to save when it was posted on GameFAQ's Resident Evil boards by Wazza T. Grimsnik. So yeah, like before, this is Wazza's work, not mine. I just wanted to post it up so it was preserved somewhere, since I still think it's pretty damn funny even today. Since this fic was written in late 2002, some of the memes are really outdated though, like that Titanic reference towards the end XD Ah well. I still like it. It's kinda like a time capsule. _

_So yeah, again… I've mostly kept this fic intact aside from editing it to no longer be in script format, so it complies with this site's rules. Wazza in the unlikely event you happen to see this, I don't mind taking down this story if you ask._

_After this, my next project is likely going to be another Love is Blind chapter. Or maybe I'll work on a side project, like pondering the potential continuation of Shoot the Tubes. _

_Anyway, enjoy the story, guys!_

* * *

"The Hudson River, two years ago. I was just out stealth-bungee-jumping, like I do every rainy Thursday night. Little did I know that my innocent pastime would end up dragging me into the most dangerous and overall confusing conspiracy I'd ever been in. And let me tell you, I've been in a few. Like one time, there was this—"

"Chris, we'd just like to wrap this up and get home."

"Oh. Sorry."

**GOLDEN COGWHEEL SOLID 2: Illegal Substance**

_George Washington Bridge_

A solitary figure in a raincoat is walking along the bridge, smoking a cigarette. Suddenly he breaks into a run, throws off the raincoat, and turns invisible. He then jumps off the bridge and lands on a passing tanker. His stealth camo breaks (conveniently) and he is revealed to be none other than Chris Redfield.

"_Sweet Jesus, my ankles!_"

The raincoat, meanwhile, lands on the windscreen of a speeding car. The driver panics, and the car veers off the bridge and _also_ lands on the same passing tanker, narrowly missing the main character. Well, semi-main.

"Gah!" Chris cries out.

The door creaks open, and the corpse of the driver falls out. The camera pans over his face.

_**SOLID SNAKE (Brad Vickers)**_

"Hey, nice bandana." Chris takes the bandana. "Oop, getting a call."

Touching his ear, his Nokia Codec(tm) activates.

"Talk to me."

On the other end, William Birkin—codename Birkincon—replies. "Chris! You just inadvertently killed Solid Snake!"

"You know, Will, I've looked into your name. There IS no International Birkin Convention in Florida."

"Maybe not, but I'm still a nerdy mad scientist who likes anime."

"Can't argue with that logic."

"Anyway. You've killed Snake. Check him for items."

"How?"

"Just pick him up and put him down again, I don't know." Birkincon shrugs.

Chris does as he's told, and a chunky hovering box pops out of Snake's torso. Inside is a pack of cigarettes, a digital camera, a tranquilizer gun, and last month's issue of FHM. Chris takes them all, except the cigs ('Snake's Favorite Brand' isn't his brand).

"Heh. Nice mullet, Snake." Birkincon grins.

"Shut up, the guy's dead. Cut him some slack." Chris replies. "So what now?"

"I can't hold your hand all the way. Work it out yourself."

Chris shrugs, takes his tranq gun, and goes for a walk.

* * *

_Thirty minutes of shooting possibly undead Russian terrorists later..._

On the bridge deck, Chris spots a woman with a walkie-talkie. Curious as to whether or not she's talking dirty with another girl (hey, you never know), he decides to listen in.

"Explosives? Uh, yeah... I planted them. No, really I did. Ask Shalasomethingorother. He was there. Can we trust him? He seems kinda evil. Okay, if you say so. Love you too. Bye." She puts away the walkie-talkie.

Chris jumps out and points his gun at the woman. "Freeze! Hands up!"

She raises her arms, revealing unshaved armpits.

"Eeeew!" Chris winces, looking away. "Okay, hands down! Just don't do anything smart!"

The woman complies.

Now that Chris is not confronted with unsightly, unshaven armpits, he looks her over. "A woman?"

"You don't get out much, do you?" she snarks.

"Take off your hat."

She does, and her face is revealed.

_**OLGA GURLUKOVICH (Jill Valentine)**_

"Now take off your top."

"Get bent."

"Hey, who's holding the gun here?"

Suddenly, it stops raining. Did I mention it was raining earlier? I did? Right, just checking.

"It's stopped raining..." she looks around.

Chris rolls his eyes. "Thank you, Captain Obvious-— whoa!"

Chris narrowly avoids getting shot by Jill's magical bullet-shooting Spetznaz knife, setting the scene for a half-decently choreographed boss fight.

After the fight, Chris loots the unconscious Jill's body, and finds a real gun. With no bullets. "That's crap! You mean to tell me that I beat her at the _exact_ moment she used up her very last bullet? Aw, man!" He pulls the trigger, only getting clicks in return. "This sucks!"

A surveillance-camera-life-preserver-helicoptery-tripod-thing surveys Chris.

"SCLPHTT?" Chris cocks his head, examining it.

"Yeah, that made _no_ sense whatsoever." Birkincon says over the Codec. "Just like this story!"

Our protagonist (well, for the first half of the story anyway, then he gets shafted), proceeds to the cargo area, in the hope of finding more FHM magazines. Upon entering, a nameless guard makes an attempt to follow him, but is distracted by a noise (as guards are prone to do).

"Who's there?!" the guard spins around.

A shadowy figure in a trench coat walks out of the shadows, making him no longer shadowy. Just figure-y.

"Oh, it's you Shalashibibitibaya." The guard lowers his rifle. "Aren't you supposed to be with the Colonel?"

The figure shoots the guard in the face.

"Plerk!" The guard falls over dead.

"The Colonel will be joining you soon... comrade." The figure says menacingly.

* * *

_Inside the cargo hold..._

"There's a bunch of Marines standing around in their underwear." Chris surveys the room.

"None of this makes any sense," Birkincon says, watching Chris' live feed.

"And I think I heard some guy get shot in the room just behind me."

"Must just be your imagination."

"Yeah. I shoot a lot of people."

The Marine Commandant, who's displayed on a large projector screen, is giving a speech. The camera zooms in on the screen.

_**MARINE COMMANDANT SCOTT DOLPH (Alexander Ashford)**_

"Okay, so. Right." Alex looks down. "Oh jeez, I forgot my notes. Um, we're all aware of that thing with the Metal Gear thingy. You know, happened a few years back or something. Enough time for a guy to grow a decent mullet, say." He looks around the room, getting a general affirmative murmuring amongst the guards. "Yeah. Good. So, we the Marines, have made this newer, better Metal Gear, and it's like... better than the old ones and stuff. But better. And it's all like top secret. Very hush-hush. Oh, and it's got the Marines' logo printed in large neon glow-in-the-dark text on the side, so if you're gonna take any photos, don't post them on the Internet or any other mass-media tool, because then we'd be in some deep shit."

"Hey Chris, try and get some photos so I can upload them to metalgearpics dot com." Birkincon grins. "They pay top dollar for this kind of stuff."

"But he said not to!"

"Chris, if he said not to jump off a cliff, would you do it?"

"Hell yes!" Chris grins, pumping his fist, but his smile soon melts away. "I mean...hang on—"

"Just take the damn photos."

Chris sneaks past the guards... but not before switching the projectors' video feed from the nearby cameras to a bootleg Asian porno.

One of the Marines whispers sideways to another one standing next to him. "Hey, that Commandant's got some nice breasts."

"You are so ****ing stupid," the other Marine replies. "Yet I also cannot turn away due to some otherworldly influence."

"Could be the same reason why we all can't see more than ten feet in front of us," another Marine behind them shrugs.

* * *

_In the third cargo hold..._

Chris waltzes in and takes the photos, just as Alexander is wrapping up his speech.

He looks at the Metal Gear one last time. "…Metal Gear?!" He utters, pausinges for dramatic effect.

"Why are you so shocked?" Birkincon raises an eyebrow. "You knew about it already."

"Yeah, but I just like to say it like that. ...Metal Gear?!" He pauses again, widening his eyes this time for even more dramatic effect. "Heh heh."

Alexander continues his speech. "We the Marines..." He facepalms, looking down at his captive audience. "Oh, I said that already. Uh, look. Just don't tell anyone I forgot my notes and you're free to go. We might try this again tomorrow. Dismissed!"

The sound of one man clapping comes from behind the Commandant. "Gift of the silver tongue... they say it—"

Alexander smiles, turning around. "So you actually thought my speech was good, do—"

"Shut up!" The figure from before appears. "No, I thought it was horrible! I'm just reading the script." He flips over to the next page.

Alexander pouts, dejected. "Oh. Who are you?"

"I am Shalashashakash... Shaleshaks... Sha—" Frowning, the figure looks down at his notes. "We The Marines!"

"Hey, _you've_ got my notes!"

"Damn, that's not it!" The figure flips over to another page on the script. "Here it is! Shalashashka! That's me! Also called... Revolver Ocelot!" He poses for dramatic effect.

"Ocelot?" Alexander cocks an eyebrow. "What kinda code name is that?"

"Oh, **** it. Fine." The figure throws his arms down. "I'm Nicholai. You happy?"

_**REVOLVER OCELOT/SHALASHIPSHAPE (Nicholai Ginovaef)**_

"And what are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for a reporter named Ben- ****! No!" Pages rustle as he looks over his notes. "I'm here to steal this Metal Gear!"

"You're planning to steal it?"

"Steal? No, no, I'm taking it back. For the Patriots!" Nicholai fist pumps.

Alexander looks at his own script again. "You're not supposed to mention the Patriots until later!"

"I'm not? Oh, I hope Mikhail didn't hear that last bit."

Another Russian guy stumbles on-screen.

_**COLONEL SERGEI GURLUKOVICH... HE'S OLGA'S DAD, JUST SO YOU KNOW (Mikhail Viktor)**_

"Eh? Nicholai? Did I miss something?" Mikhail looks around. "Are we jacking the Metal Gear yet?"

"No, no, you didn't miss anything!" Nicholai gives a nervous smile. "You're right on time! Eh heh heh!"

"Right, then." Mikhail points his gun at Alexander.

Alex nods at Nicholai, and Nicholai gives him a thumbs-up back.

"Now... to take this back... for the Patriots!" Nicholai once again fist pumps for dramatic effect.

"The Scooby-Dooby-Doo? It can't be!" Alexander gets shot. "Plerk!"

"The Patriots? What the fudge?" Mikhail also gets shot. "Plerk!"

"Bwa ha ha ha!" Nicholai shoots a lot of other people.

We cut to Chris, who's crouching behind some randomly placed boxes. "Man. Nicholai's a jerk."

Cut back to Nicholai, who's entering the Metal Gear. Numerous Marines try to stop him, but being non-subtitleable characters, they all die. Chris steps out for a quick peek, and Nicholai's arm starts to spasm.

"What? Grrraaarrrrghhhh!" Nicholai clutches his arm.

"Now there's something you don't see every- Hey, a penny!" Chris picks up the penny.

"It's been a while, brother!" Nicholai's arm says, putting emphasis on 'brother' for dramatic effect.

"Wait, who said that?" Chris looks up. "Claire?"

"I did! It's me, the arm!"

Chris frowns. "You're an arm, you can't talk!"

"But I can do this!" The arm proceeds to smack Nicholai in the head. "Why you hitting yourself?! Why you hitting yourself?!"

"Who embodies you, re-attached arm? I must know!"

"Why, it's none other than me..." With a flourish of dramatic lighting, the camera zooms in on the arm. "_Mr. X!_"

_**LIQUID SNAKE'S ARM (Mr. X)**_

"Mr. X? But you never lost an arm."

"Okay, so I'm actually my left nipple. But anyway. Tremble in fear, as I walk slowly yet intimidatingly towards you!" Mr. X compels Nicholai to do just that.

"I think I'm gonna run like a sissy. Bye!" Chris also proceeds to do just that.

Nicholai spasms. Again. "No... get out of my mind!"

"I'll be back when you least expect it!" The arm manically laughs. "When you're drinking coffee! When you're handling pointy objects! When you're taking a pee! I'm a part of you now! A part that can never be destroyed, unless I'm infected with some kind of arm-destroying virus, or possibly amputated!"

Nicholai cuts the arm off with a fwip. "Ah, that's better. Now, to the hijacking." Nicholai presses a button, and stuff explodes. You know... stuff.

Chris, however, has already made his way out of the tanker and is swimming to shore.

As Metal Gear R_ swims away, Nicholai is talking to someone over the phone. "Yes, I have the Metal Gear. Yes, I have video footage of Chris at the scene. Yes, we'll meet up at the rendezvous point. Yes, I'll get some more milk on the way home. See you then..."

Nicholai puts the phone down.

"...Captain Wesker."

* * *

**Intermission**

Cheer for the monkeys!

* * *

_Two years later..._

"Snake, do you remember the incident two years ago with the tanker?"

"No. Refresh my memory, Ejaculating Ringworm."

"...Right. **** the codenames, I'm calling you Steve."

An ambiguous-looking person in skintight lycra is swimming through the lower New York bay. A passing shark rips his lower torso off.

"Wow. Good thing that wasn't me."

_**RAIDEN/JACK RAIDEN (Steve Burnside)**_

Another ambiguous-looking person in skintight lycra swims past, this one is Steve. He doesn't die. _Yet._ Noticing a pre-cut hole in the trawler net ahead of him, he swims through. "This is the easiest mission ever! I've got a good feeling about this!"

Upon reaching the dock, his Nokia Codec trills the Mission Impossible theme, and he takes the a call. "This is Snake."

"I said we're calling you Steve!" Barry—the voice on the other end—replies."

_**COLONEL CORTEZ—SHIT, I MEAN CAMPBELL… LIKE THE CANNED SOUP, YEAH (Barry Burton)**_

"But Steve is boring! I want a cool codename!"

"Fine then. Raiden."

"But Raiden is just my _character's_ last name! You're not trying."

"Okay, how about... Steve."

"Great! So I'm no longer boring old Steve Burnside, I'm... _**Steve**_!" He does a little dance.

"...Yeah." Barry rolls his eyes. "Anyway, on with the mission. You have to infiltrate the Ultimate Oil Containment Facility That Has Nothing To Do With Bio-Weapons—"

"Can't I just call it the Big Shell? I mean, it's _really_ big."

"That name's stupid, just like you. Stick with the plan."

"But I—"

"**The plan.**"

"Yes'm."

"Good. The President has been kidnapped by ninjas."

"Ninjas?" Steve repeats.

"Well, one ninja." Barry shrugs. "The rest we're not sure of. They may or may not be ninjas. It'd be best to use your own judgement on that. Now, the Pentagon has informed us that the only people qualified to rescue the President would have to be bad dudes."

"Bad dudes?" Steve repeats again.

"Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the President?"

"I think so."

"Don't give me that crap, are you a bad enough dude to rescue the President?!"

"_**I think so!**_"

"That's better! Now go save the president, and maybe you two can go for a burger afterwards."

"I like burgers."

In the background, the sounds of Russians getting the snot beaten out of them are heard.

"What's that noise?" Barry asks.

"I'd better check it out." Steve approaches the nearest door.

"You do that. I'll be in touch every two minutes with obvious information."

"That's the best kind!"

Steve goes to open the door, but there's a big steering-wheel-thing, and no knob.

"Mash the circle button to open doors."

Steve frowns. "I don't have a circle button."

"...I'm out of ideas." Barry sighs. "Try turning the wheel, I don't know."

Miraculously, the door opens upon Steve turning the wheel. "Phew. That could have been tricky." On the other side, Steve finds a bunch of knocked-out Russians holding water pistols and tropical fruit.

"Looks like they're armed with Super Soaker XP-200s and pineapples." Barry says.

"Pineapples? I'm allergic to them. They give me a rash."

"It'd be best to avoid the guards. Now go stick a fork in that power socket and download a map of the area."

"How do I do that?"

"What am I, a rocket scientist? Just do it."

Steve jams a fork in, and sucks voltage.

"Heh heh, dumbass." Barry smiles.

"I can see a mini-map!" Steve grins, as smoke pours off of him. "I think it's burned into my retinas! Cool!"

Steve advances through the non-undead oil rig, until he comes across a hallway full of dead Marines. Lacking a firearm, he forms the shape of a gun with his thumb and index finger and enters the next room scanning for targets. He spots a guy at the far end of the room making slurping sounds while holding a dead Marine against a wall.

"Eew! I mean, freeze!" He points his finger at the guy.

The guy turns around, revealing a face covered in eyeliner, rouge, and mascara.

_**VAMP (Alfred Ashford)**_

"Double eew!" Steve hisses, looking away. "What are you?"

"Five today... or perhaps..." Alfred takes a closer look towards Steve's groin. "Wait, are you a guy?"

"That's what _I_ was going to ask _you_!"

"I am!"

"Me too— oh, God! That's sick! I'm gonna puke!"

Bullet-Time(tm) kicks in as Alfred jumps behind Steve, and Steve vomits into his hand.

A Marine kicks down the door, pointing his XP-200 menacingly. "Get down!"

Alfred jumps into the rafters as Steve ducks.

"Where is he?" The Marine waves his XP-200 around.

"He just jumped into the rafters," Steve says.

"I saw that."

"Then why did you ask me where he was?"

"Because I..." The Marine sighs. "Shut up!"

Alfred jumps down and grabs the Marine, causing him to drop his gun. Alfred then tears a large gash up his arm. "You smell like— gawd, when was the last time you took a shower?"

Meanwhile, Steve picks up the Super Soaker.

"What are you waiting for?! Shoot him!" the Marine cries out.

"I can't, your gun's out of water!" Steve unzips his pants.

"Oh, sweet Jesus in a burrito!" The Marine looks away. "Put that away and just spit in it!"

The Zelda theme trills, and Alfred answers his phone. "Yo."

"Alfred, we've found the President," the voice on the other end says.

"Yeah? Well you'll never guess who I've found."

"Santa Claus again?"

"I really _did_ see him that time!" Alfred insisted. "But it's not him."

"Fine, fine. Meet me at the Strut B bridge."

"There or square." Alfred leaps away.

Steve runs out of saliva. "Bleh, my mouth's all dry and paste-y!" He walks over to the Marine. "Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine." He leans against a nearby railing.

"But you're bleeding! Oh, and what's your name?"

"My name is C..." the Marine stops for a moment. "My name is... Plankton. Irregular Plankton."

"That's a funny name."

"Better than yours, I'll bet."

"I'm Steve. My friends call me..." Steve shakes his head and sighs. "Well actually, I don't have any friends."

Plankton takes off his balaclava.

_**IRREGULAR PLANKTON (Chris Redfield)**_

Steve smiles. "Hey, you look just like this guy I know. His name's—"

"_I'm not Chris Redfield, dammit!_" Plankton shouts.

"I never said you—"

"_**Shut up!**_"

Steve recoils from the shouting, but continues. "So, how'd you get here?"

"Fast rope descent from a Navy chopper."

Steve looks down. "Was that a sea louse that just crawled out of your pants?"

"...I like to keep one there." Plankton gets up after bandaging his arm. "Who are you with? That lycra doesn't look like standard issue."

"I'm with the Raccoon branch of S.T.A.R.S."

"S.T.A.R.S.?" Plankton raises an eyebrow. "Huh. What training have you had?"

"This is my first mission, but I've had extensive VR training, the kind that's indistinguishable from the real thing."

"Like what?"

"Well, I've played Metal Gear Solid 2 a few times."

"Finish it?"

"Nah, I kept getting stuck on the Harrier."

"Wuss. Here, take a water pistol. It might come in handy."

"Thanks. Here, take this shaver I found earlier."

"...Is it used?"

Steve scratches his crotch. "No."

Just as he goes to leave the room, Steve gets a call.

"Steve? Are you there?"

_**ROSE WHINEYWHORE (Claire Redfield)**_

"Yeah? Oh, hey Claire. What's up?"

"I'm just wondering why you never call me anymore."

"I'm kinda busy saving the President now. I'm the only dude bad enough to do it!"

"Steve, why don't we ever 'do it' anymore?"

"Uh..." Steve scratches the side of his head. "You're not bad enough?"

"So I'm bad in bed, is that it? You jerk! Do you remember the day we first met? No, of course you don't, you're just an insensitive male! _I hate you!_" She hangs up.

"Must be that time of the month," Steve muses.

* * *

_At the Strut B bridge…_

A bunch of Marines are trying to shoot a girl holding a linear launcher. Apparently they all have the accuracy of a drunken Stormtrooper, because none of the shots hit. Alfred walks in, grabs the President, and walks out again.

"Don't let them take the President!" the lead Marine shouts. "Advance, and make it look like we're going to shoot them!"

"Ha!" the girl cackles. "You don't even have first names, so you don't stand a chance!"

She fires the linear launcher, and all the Marines die in a dramatic explosion.

Our new protagonist is cowering like the wussbag he is. "Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap! Light _and_ sound action? I wasn't trained for this!"

"Pull yourself together, man!" Barry says. "It's just a linear launcher, you've got a water pistol, kick her ass!

"I can't, she's a girl! She'd hurt me in ways I can't imagine!"

Claire joins in on the Codec call. "_I'll_ hurt you in ways you can't imagine if you don't grow some balls!"

"Waaaaah! I hate my life!" Steve pouts.

The girl leaves, and Steve continues on his heroic journey.

* * *

_In the cafeteria..._

"Freeze!" Steve waves his weapon around at someone. "I've got a water pistol! Don't make me shoot you in the crotch, then have people come up and say 'OMG, look, he peed his pants!'"

"Damn, I'm no terrorist! I'm just the token black guy!" He gestures for Steve to lower the gun. "Leave me alone!"

_**PETER STILLMAN (Marvin Branagh)**_

"Oh. Sorry about that." Steve lowers the gun.

"Shit man, it's cool."

The door opens, and Plankton enters.

Steve points the gun at him. "Freeze! I've got a water—"

"Quit waving that thing around, kid." Plankton rolls his eyes. "This guy's Peter Stillman. He's the token black character and _the_ bomb disposal guy, which almost guarantees he's going to die in an explosion about halfway through the movie."

"That's whack," Marvin mutters.

"Can't be helped." Plankton shrugs.

Marv walks over to a nearby table and sets up a small diorama. "Anyway, this facility is rigged with bombs disguised as Hershey Bars. For reference, we'll call them Hershey Bars of Death."

"Hershey Bars of Death? I'm scared!" Steve cowers.

"Wuss," Plankton says aside to him.

Marvin pulls out a can of something. "The Hershey Bars of Death can only be disarmed by using this hairspray, which smells _so bad_ that the little invisible pixies that make the bomb work commit suicide, thereby saving the world. You two have to use this hairspray to deactivate the Hershey Bars of Death."

"But I don't wanna!" Steve whines. "I wanna go home and have make-up sex with Claire!"

"Claire?" Plankton turns to him. "As in, my sister Claire?"

"No, not Claire Plankton, Claire Redfield." Steve takes another look at Plankton. "Wow, you _are_ a lot like—"

"_Shutupshutupshutup!_"

Steve and Irregular each take a can of hairspray, and get to work making pixies kill themselves.

* * *

_Two hours later…_

"_Aaaaaaaaaaahh!_" Marvin dies in an explosion.

"Told you," Plankton says.

Steve defuses the final bomb, only to be told there's another bomb. Arriving at the dock elevator, he is confronted by the girl from before.

_**FORTUNE (Alexia Ashford)**_

"You killed my father, and now I'll kill you because two wrongs make a right!" Alexia screams, raising her linear launcher.

"Oh crapcakes!"

Steve dives out of the way of Alexia's blast, allowing her to catch a glimpse of his girly golden locks.

"You're not Chris!" she lowers the launcher.

"Freeze! I've got a—"

"My name is Alexia! People call me Fortune, because I used to be the girl who turned the letters around on _Wheel of Fortune_!"

Steve sits down in a corner and cries. Alexia manages to shoot everything in the room that _isn't_ Steve.

The elevator comes down again, and Alfred steps out. "Did'ja kill him?"

"Nah, he wasn't hiding behind any of these containers."

"What about that cardboard box in the corner over there?" Alfred points at it.

Alexia shrugs.

Alfred lifts up the box, revealing the cowering Steve.

"Oh, hey Steve," Alfred says casually.

"Gyaaaaah!" Steve squirts Alfred in the eye with his water pistol.

Alfred falls backwards, flailing around. "**My eye! Oh, God! My one weak point!**" He dies.

Steve scarpers, while Alexia tends to her dead brother's wounds.

"Um... oh jeez, what do I do?" She says. "Err..."

Alfred's eyes suddenly open. "I'm not dead!"

"Holy crap, you're _not_ dead!"

"I've already died once... I can't die twice."

"But you've already died twice now."

"What do you know, I have too." He dies again.

"Not a—" Alexia sighs. "Oh, that's it, I'm not even trying anymore."

* * *

_On the helipad…_

"Well, here I am. All the bombs are defused." Steve looks around. "I sure hope I don't get jumped by some kind of boss-like character now."

He hears the sound of rollerblades.

"Aww, shit."

"You're right on time, I see," an ominous voice calls out. "I like a punctual man."

"…God?"

"And he's dumb as two planks to boot."

"Did you get my letters?"

A huge-ass guy in a bomb disposal suit and rollerblades shows up behind Steve.

_**FATMAN (Nemesis)**_

"Life is short, play hard! Nike(tm)!" Nemesis raises a wine glass he got from…somewhere. I don't know.

"Nemesis? I didn't think you could talk!"

"Weren't you in Resident Evil 3— oh, you weren't. Right. I can, but the other B.O.W.'s can't."

"Gotcha. Now freeze! I've got—"

Nemesis skates off.

"Dammit!"

A boss fight occurs to jazzy background music. After killing countless pixies, Steve defuses all of Nemesis' Hershey Bars of Death and shoots him in the head many times.

"Grah!" Nemmy cries out, flat on the floor and near death. "But you'll never find the last bomb! It's hidden very close—"

"It's under your ass, isn't it?" Steve says.

"What the— How did you know?"

Steve shrugs. "Lucky guess."

On the way to the connecting bridge, Steve encounters _The Ninja_.

"Impressive. Most impressive," the Ninja says.

"Freeze! I—"

"Perhaps we'd better go somewhere else." The Ninja walks off, not bothering to look back.

"Aww!"

* * *

_Somewhere else…_

The Ninja says, "This is better. Now, the President is in Strut 2."

"How do you know?"

"I know. Trust me."

"Says who?"

"Says me! And I'm a ninja, so I'm always right!"

"But I was told the President was kidnapped by ninjas."

"So?"

"You're a ninja."

"And?" the Ninja folds his arms.

Steve sighs. "Never mind."

"Take this enemy uniform, this keycard, and this phone." The Ninja hands over the aforementioned items.

"What's the phone for? You've contacted me on Codec, and that worked out just fine."

"My ninja instincts are telling me it might come in handy. And my ninja instincts are always right."

Steve examines the phone. "Does it have a programmable ringtone?"

The Ninja shakes his head. "No, it's an older model. Just the crappy 'bebebebebebebe'."

"Cheap-ass ninja."

"_Do not question the ways of the ninja!_ My choice in mobile phones is always right, much like my choice in _everything_!"

"…I'll take your word for it."

"First, find the hostages in Strut 1 and look for this guy called Ark."

The Ninja flips out.

* * *

_In Strut 1…_

Steve does as he's told, dressing up like an enemy soldier and infiltrating the central strut. He finds a directional microphone, teaches the parrot to swear, and eventually locates the hostages.

"Are you Ark?" he asks one of the tied up and blindfolded hostages.

"Mmmmfgmmm."

"Are _you_ Ark?" he asks another one.

The hostage pees his pants.

"Heh heh." Steve tries another hostage. "Are you Ark?"

"Yeah, I'm Ark."

_**RICHARD AMES (Ark Thompson)**_

"A ninja sent me. Tell me what I need to do."

Ark does a double take. "Say what now?"

Steve points his directional microphone in a random direction. "Heh, there's some guy in the toilet, and he's—"

"No! Over _there_!" Ark gestures with his head.

"Oh." Steve points the microphone towards a glass-walled room where the bad guys are discussing stuff.

"Boss... Nemesis is dead." Nicholai is speaking to a mysterious figure in a black cloak with very broad shoulders.

"Temporarily dead, or dead dead?" Boss replies.

"Dead dead."

"Ooh. That's bad. How's things otherwise?"

"Pretty good. We have Metal Gear."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I think I'll make a random check of the hostages." Nicholai glances out through the window in Steve's general direction. "Might be another guy disguised as a guard talking to Ark again."

"You never can tell." Boss nods.

"Crap!" Ark says. "Nicholai's coming here! Grab your XP-200!"

Steve does so.

Nicholai walks slowly towards Ark and Steve. "Hey, wanna see something cool? Check this."

"Erk!" Ark groans. "You'll never escape the Do-Re-Mi!" He dies from a heart attack.

"I never get tired of that," Nicholai chuckles, but a frown crosses his face as he looks at Steve. "Wait a second— You're not Nameless Guard Three Hundred Seventeen!"

The Ninja jumps down and saves Steve.

"You?! But you're dead!" Nicholai is terrified, but soon expresses relief. "Oh, wait, you're a different ninja."

"Different _with a vengeance_!" The Ninja dramatically waves his katana around.

Steve makes good his escape and heads to the connecting bridge.

* * *

_At the connecting bridge..._

Steve surveys the landscape. "Aww, not more bombs!"

"Shoot the bombs to defuse them," Barry says. Remember him?

Steve raises an eyebrow. "Do _what_?"

"Just do it, you big wuss."

Claire jumps in once more. Remember her? "Shoot the bombs or you won't get any nookie when you get back."

Steve sighs. "Fine."

Defusing the bombs, Steve walks ten feet when Plankton flies overhead in a stolen helicopter.

"Cool." Steve looks up. "Wish I had a helicopter."

"Hey, that's my helicopter!" Some guy at the other end of the bridge says.

Steve looks over at him. "Who are you? You that guy who was in the cloak before? The guy previously dubbed Boss before?"

"I'm the Boss to surpass Shinji Mikami himself... _Solid Snake!_"

The chopper flies back for another pass. "_No!_" Plankton shouts from the side door. "That is _not _Solid Snake! It's just Wesker! We go way back!"

_**SOLIDUS SNAKE (Albert Wesker)**_

"Oh, thanks Chris!" Wesker rolls his eyes. "Ruin the _whole_ charade! Ass!"

"If it makes you feel better, you just ruined mine!" Chris shouts back.

"You know something? It does, actually! But I still despise you!"

"I've got a grenade launcher. Are you sure you should be saying that to my face?"

"Screw you!"

Chris takes a shot at Wesker, knocking him off the bridge and clipping Steve too. On the other side of the bridge, a Harrier jet rises with Alfred piloting and Wesker standing on the top. Climbing into the gunner's seat, Wesker makes an undoubtedly dramatic and imposing speech that ends up getting drowned out by the Harrier's engines. Chris throws Steve a rocket launcher in an oddly-familiar scene, and Steve gets to shooting.

Three minutes later, Steve downs the Harrier, and just as it's about to crash into the water Metal Gear R_ jumps up and grabs the falling plane in its maw. As it gracefully dives over the bridge, Steve catches a glimpse of a bumper sticker reading "I BRAKE FOR NOBODY". Wesker orders Alfred to run across the water for no apparent purpose other than because it looks cool, and Steve continues on to an inevitable confrontation.

* * *

Eventually Steve meets the President, who had actually been kidnapped by Wesker, and not ninjas as we were all previously led to believe. You might want to write this down, as the storyline gets pretty stupid from here on in.

"Mr. President?" Steve asks.

_**PRESIDENT RONNIE (Leon S. Kennedy)**_

"Who's that?" Leon crosses his arms. "Are you a super-secret operative sent to save me from certain death?"

Steve glances down. "Uh, you're not wearing any pants."

"That is true." Leon turns around, calling to someone around a nearby corner. "Honey, where's my pants?"

"You threw them out the window in a fit of passion," a sultry female voice replies. "You said you'd never need them again."

"Well, there's another woman here—"

"I'm a man!" Steve stamps his foot.

"Right, man." Leon nods, looking back again. "And he's here to save me, and I need my pants."

"Who's back there?" Steve walks past Leon and peeks around the corner.

We get a gratuitous nude shot.

_**THE PRESIDENT'S SEXY ASIAN INTERN (Ada Wong)**_

Ada covers herself up with her arms and legs as best as she can. "Hey! Quit looking at my non-clothed sexy Asian body!"

"Yeah, I'm getting jealous!" Claire pipes in once more. "I can't look at other naked guys!"

"Claire, you've got the Internet," Steve replies.

"Oh right." She goes to look at pics of other naked guys.

The President butts in. "Listen, in a nutshell, there's this whole big conspiracy with the Patriots, Nicholai, Wesker, Metal Gear, S.T.A.R.S, purified hydrogen bombs, bad dudes, Alexia's inability to get shot, Alfred's sexual preference, and this shiny nickel." Leon holds up a nickel. "Take this keycard, then look for Birkin's sister."

"Birkin has a sister?" Steve asks.

"No, not really, it's just Rebecca." Leon shakes his head. "Now leave me alone, I'm trying to have sex."

"Wish I was having sex," Steve grumbles as he leaves.

"Close the door!" Ada calls out.

* * *

_Later..._

Steve stumbles across Alfred, who's standing on water.

"Free—" Steve starts.

"I've been waiting for you." Alfred interrupts, as he makes sensual poses. "Check this out, I can walk on water. Can you? Didn't think so."

Steve fires his water pistol.

Alfred dodges all of his shots except one, which gets him straight in the groin. "Hmm. That was unexpected." He looks down.

"Ha, you peed your pants!" Steve laughs. "Big-nasty-ambiguous-vampire-boy peed his pants!"

"I'm not really a vampire, it's just make up!"

"Then how do you explain the running on water?"

"...I didn't run on water."

"You just said you could." He jerks his finger at Alfred. "You're walking on water right now!"

"No I'm not!"

"Oh, stuff this." Steve shoots Alfred in the crotch again.

"Great, now I've got to change my pants." Alfred sighs. "Thanks a lot."

Alfred walks off, disgruntled, as Steve gets a text message on his Ninjaphone.

He reads the message. "'Alfred likes guys. Purified hydrogen bomb'." Steve blinks. 'Purified hydrogen bomb?'"

Barry chooses this moment to interrupt again. "Stop that! I'm sick of your repetitive speech patterns!"

"Repetitive speech patterns?"

"Yes! Like that!"

"Like that?"

"Ugh!" Barry hangs up again.

Continuing, Steve arrives at Becky's lab, and finds her cowering in a locker.

_**EMMA EMMERICH (Rebecca Chambers)**_

"Wow." Steve looks down again. "You wet your pants without me even having to shoot you."

"What do you want?" Becky says, still curled up.

"Insert the Y2K bug into Metal Gear to save the world from ninjas!"

"What you say?"

"I don't know," Steve shrugs. "This plot's confusing me."

Later, Steve and Rebecca cross a handy pontoon bridge, where Alfred jumps up again. "Ha! You can't ignore me just because I'm dead!" He stabs Becky, who later dies.

Birkin then reveals that he was having an affair with Becky's mom, which _nobody_ saw coming.

* * *

_Still later…_

We rejoin Steve, Chris and Birkin as they attempt to infect the new Manchester United Gear with the Y2K virus.

"Put the damn disk in," Steve says.

"You put it in," Chris insists.

"I'll put it in," Birkin steps in. Will inserts the disk, and an error message pops up. The computer then explodes.

"Oh, _good one_, Birkin!" Chris slaps his head. "I guess we'll have to take out Manchester United Gear the old-fashioned way."

"Rocket launcher?"

"Bingo."

Outside, they meet up with the Ninja again.

"Hey Jill," Chris says to the Ninja.

"Hey Chris," the Ninja/Jill replies.

"Hey, you're the ninja that kidnapped the President!" Steve points at Jill.

"Steve, I swear, you're stupider than a stupid person who's just had an overdose of stupid." He rolls his eyes. "Try to keep up with the plot!"

Jill chooses this moment to recap. "Everyone knows by now that it was Wesker's radioactive monkeys, who were used as puppets by the Patriots, who in turn were manipulated by Shinji Mikami's dead ancestral ghost and an orange Volkswagen Beetle to kidnap the President in order to get back Wesker's football that he'd kicked into the President's front yard ten years ago, and the President was being a jerk and not giving it back to him! _That's_ what this is all about!"

"Oh. Right. Is this subject to change?" Steve looks at the others.

"Undoubtedly." Jill knocks his ass out.

* * *

_Inside Manchester United Gear..._

Steve is tortured (thankfully), Jill busts Steve out, Steve has no pants and Barry has gone crazy.

"Steve, buy me lunch next time we go out," Barry says.

"No."

Two minutes later…

"Steve, Claire's cheating on you."

"No she's not."

Three minutes later…

"Steve, turn off the console."

"_You_ turn off the console."

One hundred eighty one seconds later..

"Steve, Wesker despises you."

"He only despises Chris, everyone knows that."

Three hundred forty-five thousand and thirty-three milliseconds later…

"Hmm..." Barry scratches his chin. "Steve, the Easter Bunny doesn't exist."

"_That's a lie! That's a god damned lie and you know it!_" Steve cries.

Eventually he meets up with Chris, who gives him his clothes and the Ninja's sword.

"How'd you get this sword?" Steve asks Chris.

"I traded it for the shaver you gave me. I figured Jill needed it more than I do."

"Chris, I'm scared."

"Find something to believe in." He pulls out an M4 carbine and waves it down the hallway.

"...Chris, can you help me—"

"And find it for yourself." Chris looks down the sights.

"Damn," Steve mutters.

"Oh, and if you need any ammo, you can have some of mine."

"You got enough?"

"Sure. Each pocket holds two hundred and fifty-five bullets. Plus, I stole Snake's bandanna."

The two make their way through MU Gear, until they run into Alexia in the staff room.

"...It's running on water!" Chris says in amazement.

Alexia is enjoying a cup of joe. "What, you've never seen a coffee machine before?"

"Careful, Chris! She's got letter-turning experience!" Steve says.

"Steve, you go ahead and take out Wesker," he says as he lowers his rifle, "while I sit here and drink coffee!"

"Right-o!" Steve grins, but then has a realization. "Hey, wait a—"

"_Go!_" Chris shoves him out the door. "There's no time to waste!"

Steve and Wesker face off, then Wesker calls in his Metal Gear R_ army.

"Ha! Let's see you take on twenty Metal Gear R_s!" The mechanical beasts roar at Steve like Godzilla.

"_**** this!_" Steve runs.

As luck would have it, Nicholai infects the MU Gear AI with SirCam, causing it to send spam to all twenty Metal Gear R_s, which overloads their bandwidth limits and causes them to explode simultaneously.

"Damn you, Nicholai!" Wesker raises his fist.

"Ha ha! Joke's on you, Wesker!" Nicholai laughs. "I run this show!"

Chris and Steve are captured by Alexia, Wesker, and Nicholai, and are standing on the prow of Manchester United Gear (which looks strangely like Gamera) as it heads towards New York.

"Oh, wait, lemme try something." Chris runs to the front of the deck. "_I'm the king of the world!_ Always wanted to do that."

"Sit down, Chris, before I kick you off." Wesker folds his arms impatiently.

"Sorry." He obediently returns and sits again.

Wesker rubs a finger on his chin. "Now, where was I- oh yes. Gloating." He grins. "'Bwa ha ha, I'm better than you, etc, etc.'"

While no one's watching, Nicholai steals the original Metal Gear R_. He's then possessed by the left nipple of Mr. X again. Remember him?

"Brothaaaaaaaas!" He calls out, standing in a dramatic pose inside Metal Gear R_'s cockpit.

"I'm not your brother!" Chris shouts back.

"Me neither!" Wesker also replies.

The wind let out of his sails, Mr. X lowers his hands again. "Oh, right. Well, I guess you can just _die!_" Mr. X kicks Alexia into the ocean, because he's a jerk. He then jumps off himself, laughing evilly all the while.

Chris watches him leave. "That was pointless."

"I'll say." Wesker turns to Steve. "Prepare for the fight scene!"

"Yaaaaaaaaargh!" Steve lunges with his ninja sword.

Wesker just Matrix-kicks Steve away.

"Ow!" Steve clutches his side. "Chris, I'm out of ideas."

"Fine, I'll handle this." Chris pulls out a slip of paper. "Wesker, here's a coupon for a free medium fries at Burger King. I'll give it to you if you leave me alone."

"Do I have to leave Steve alone too?"

"...Nah, you can kick his ass. I don't like him either."

"Aww!" Steve cries.

"Deal!" Wesker grins. He kicks Steve's ass, and then goes with Chris and Leon to Burger King.

"Thanks dudes! Let's go grab a burger! Ha ha ha!" Leon laughs.

"This ending makes no sense whatsoever." Chris looks off to the side. "Hey look, there's Alfred!"

"I hate you guys," Alfred mutters.

* * *

_Credits  
(Credits Song: "Everything You Know Is Wrong" by Weird Al Yankovic)_

_Cast (in order of appearance)_

_Solid Snake/Irregular Plankton - Chris Redfield  
The Real Solid Snake's Corpse - Zombie Brad Vickers  
Hal "Otacon" Emmerich - William Birkin  
Olga Gurlukovich/The Ninja - Jill Valentine  
Scott Dolph - Alexander Ashford  
Revolver Ocelot - Nicholai Ginovaef  
Sergei Gurlukovich - Mikhail Viktor  
Liquid Snake's Arm - Mr. X's Left Nipple  
Raiden - Steve Burnside  
Colonel Campbell - Barry Burton  
Vamp - Alfred Ashford  
Rose - Claire Redfield  
Fortune - Alexia Ashford  
The President - Leon S. Kennedy  
Peter Stillman - Marvin Branagh  
Fatman - Nemesis  
Richard Ames - Ark Thompson  
Solidus Snake - Albert Wesker  
The President's Sexy Asian Intern - Ada Wong  
Emma Emmerich - Rebecca Chambers_

_Written by - Wazza T. Grimsnik  
Original MGS concept - Hideo Kojima  
Original Biohazard concept - Shinji Mikami  
Coffee provided by - Sayuki Satou and Nescafe_

_Special thanks to: everyone who deserves it, you know who you are._

_You have enough dog tags to unlock the STEALTH CAMO, BLUE WIG, and ROCKET LAUNCHER.  
_


End file.
